Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
