Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
