so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
