fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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