I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
