I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
