FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
