I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
