I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
He told me they were just razor bumps!
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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