why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I think I have vodka in my lungs
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
