I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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