Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
