Walk of Shame. In a state park.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
