Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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