Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
we're making bets on your personal life
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
