I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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