i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
