I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
