I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
