woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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