Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
