Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Is Oprah even human
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
