So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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