did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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