and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
