It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
