I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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