remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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