I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
