i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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