You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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