KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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