also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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