NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
i think i just lost a toe
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
