OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
