morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
It's never too late to be topless.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
