I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
