I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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