it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
