The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
