So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
