I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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