So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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