i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
