My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
