Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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