Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
