they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
