we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
