Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
